Guides - How to become a teenage pop idol

This plan can never fail. It has been tested a 100 times.

Guides - How to become a teenage pop idol

Tagged: celebrity, music, entertainment, DaveDevil, beauty/fashion

Posted in Articles By DaveDevil

Jan 23rd 2010, 07:48

For this post, we welcome ~M, a hopeless person who read this and actually tried it. We feel sorry for you, dude. Welcome to the family and the audience (of size 3 each).

Step 0

This step is only for guys. Get a sex change operation if you're hoping to make it big. If that is against your principles or you're too reluctant to part with your thing, find 4 guys with similar ambitions, go camping with them for a couple of months, develop a lot of vibes and then try to make a boy band. This guide is only meant for females.

Step 1

Go Blonde. This may seem like a frivolous exercise, and if you believe in internet jokes, a stupid one as well. But going blonde is extremely necessary. Even Hannah Montana could not make it big without going blonde. You will have to bear with jokes about your intelligence, but if you do happen to screw a light bulb in all by yourself, you will make the headlines as, "Beauty with Brains" at once. While we are stringent in our requirement about your hair color, we do not care a lot about the shade you choose. Strawberry blondes, Bleached blondes, Platinum blondes, Dirty blondes, not to mention Golden blondes have made it big in the past. Conclusion being, the shade is not important.

Step 2

Get a Mom. In normal circumstances, everyone is sent to earth with a mom. But in case you were raised by wolves, try to find one as soon as possible. She should hang on to your every word, shoo photographers and guys away from you, and make comments about how she always knew her dearest daughter would make it big one day. And make sure she's not too old. She should be there to sue you when your career is failing and reconcile before your big comeback.

Step 3

Get a ghost singer. We're assuming you do not sing very well. If you do, just ignore this step, and move on to the next. The ghost singer must be dowdy, low on self confidence and a great singer to begin with. You must ensure that the status quo is maintained. If this requires being mean to her, commenting on her looks, treating her like scum, then so be it. Just make sure that she is well paid, so that she doesn't squeal to the press. If you ever feel that the possibility of that is growing too large, visit http://www.assassin4hire.com/

Step 4

Choose an attire, and stick to it. Also make sure that it sticks to you. School girl outfits are by far the most popular. You may also consider a grungy, dirrrty look if you feel that suits your personality better. It is advisable to start with a good girl image, and gradually move on to being promiscuous. The experts are divided on this issue, and you must follow your conscience for this one. If you can't find it, consult your mother.

Step 5

The First Album. The first album is by far the most crucial junction of your fledging career, yet. While selecting themes for songs, adhere to the the three Hs - Heartbreak, Heartache, and err.. sweetHeart. On no account must you sound bitchy on your very first album. The first is all about winning Hearts. So if you have any boyfriend you'd really like to trash for something he did to you, or to your best friend instead, keep it aside till you're moderately successful. And write songs from the perspective of that poor girl who used to sit at the back of the class, remembering who's name gives you a migraine. But wait, you're not supposed to have migraines until point 7. Forget what i just said. Move on.

Step 6

Success, followed by boyfriends, cars and alcohol. If everything goes according to plan, you'll be famous in at least your own country by now. If that country happens to be the US of A, then you'll be famous in another dozen or so countries as well. Now that you've caught the public's eye, make sure not to let it rove. Keep attention focussed on yourself, by hook or by crook. You may take the last two words of the previous line literally and shoplift/drive under influence/bash up the papparazzi; anything that suits your mood. Make sure to go through a string of boyfriends as fast as possible, relieving them of diamonds, cars and boats in the process. Make sure you release another album.

Step 7

Drugs and Rehab/ Prison. We wanted to put Drugs and Rehab in separate points. But the two are inextricable interwined and cannot be separated by mortal hands, or keyboards. The two form an endless chicken and egg cycle, with each giving rise to the other. If the last two sentences did not make sense to you, despair not, because they did not make a lot of sense to us either. To put it in simple words. Go in, come out reformed, get into drugs again. Rinse and Repeat. If drugs are not your thing, you may try a short spell in prison. While this step will bury your good girl image for good, it should set you free from the restrictive prison of saintly-ness, and allow you to exploit your creative instincts to the fullest. Also consider having a full-blown public/legal fight with your mother at this stage.

Step 8

Facelifts, Implants, Yoga etc. All the running in and out of prison/rehab has to have had taken a toll on your physical and mental health. To enhance your spirituality try Yoga, Feng Shui, Vipasana or whatever is the most fashionable pastime of the rich and idle at that moment of time. To enhance your physique, use silicon, botox, or whatever is the latest in cosmetic surgery. This may be a good time to release another album. After drugs/rehab and botox, you must leave no stone unturned to make this album the sexiest of all time. Except for one kid friendly song made for MTV, the rest should make grown men blush in late night Zee English. This will likely be your last album and also your most worthless one, so make sure there are sufficient hints of nudity in the pre-release ads.

Step 9

United Nations/ Children. You're not the hot babe of 16 you were, and you must find other ways to win hearts. Having kids is one option, just make sure you do not drop them, in public at least. Reading a book or two about parenting should be considered before writing one. If you fail to have children, adopt one, preferably an underfed, under-privileged toddler from Africa. If kids are just too icky for you, try becoming a UN goodwill ambassador.

Step 10

Retirement. This is perhaps the most important part of your career. All the money you made from record sales has probably been squandered by you and your entourage, so it is important to find a mate who can support you for the rest of your life time. Marrying a groupie is not advisable, and you may have to shave your head in penance afterwards. Try to find someone who does not drive his own Limo/Yacht/Private Jet for the happiest ending to your story.

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