For more, go to http://lolfacts.in/sachin.
You've heard of Chuck Norris facts. However popular they are, they are still ultimately the tales of a man. Not of God. There is one guy who can hit the roundhouse kick for a six, the one and only secular God of India, Sachin Tendulkar. We are sure all you Sachin fans know all about him, his age, family, shirt size and sock colours, but here are some less known divine facts -
1. Shane Warne was originally the fastest bowler in the world. After he bowled to Sachin for the first time, and got hit out of the park, he switched to legspin with the laziest action ever. And Sachin hit him out of the park anyway.
2. If Sachin starts a political party composed of only donkeys, monkeys, convicts and Ajit Agarkar, he will still win 545 seats in the Lok Sabha.
3. Sachin could get a century batting against the 11 best bowlers of all time, even if they bowled hand grenades instead of cricket balls, and he was equipped only with a Natraj HB pencil.
4. Before 1989, there were only about 500 children in India with the name Sachin. Now, census officers come armed with a form with two options: a) 'My child's name is Sachin' and b) 'My child's name is anything else ___________ (fill name in here).'
5. Before the birth of Sachin Tendulkar, Maharashtra was just called Rashtra.
6. The fact that Sachin doesn't hold all the records (like fastest ODI century) shows that God (== Sachin) is kind and merciful, even to people like Afridi.
7. What do you do if there's an India vs. anybody else cricket match, you're supposed to decide the Man of the Match, but you dozed off during the match? Give it to Sachin - nobody will complain.
8. In the 1990s and 2000s, there was a proposal to make cricket a 100-on-11 game, where India would have 11 players and the opposition would have 100 players (mainly chosen for their fielding ability). This was shot down when no country could find more than 11 players who were willing to jog to the boundary every five minutes to retrieve a Sachin four.
9. Once, the Indian education system was regarded as easily the best in the world. Then, someone found out that Sachin dropped out of school. Now, even Indians don't think their education system is any good.
10. No one else in the world can bowl medium pace, offspin and legspin well. (this is 100% true, not an exaggeration.)
11. India TV doesn't run stories on Sachin because they know that, no matter what supernatural powers they try to attribute to him, they will still fall short of the truth.
12. Sachin doesn't need a 99.94 average.
13. India is the only country in the world without atheists. Even those who have burned temples, mosques and churches will stay at home and watch a Sachin innings.
14. If all umpires gave correct decisions always (here's looking at you, Steve Bucknor), Sachin would still not have a batting average, because infinity ain't a number.
15. After Sachin retires, imagine that a person wants to beat his record of number of centuries. He will have to score a century three times a match, and even then he'll fall short by 200 or 300 centuries.
16. History books of the future will have only three chapters: World War I, World War II, and The Era of Sachin Tendulkar. The lengths of these chapters will be respectively 5, 5, and 300 pages.
17. The format T20 was invented after appeals from opposition bowlers all around the world, who wanted to bowl at Sachin for a lower number of overs.
18. There was an advertising guy (who had never watched cricket, ever) at Manikchand once, who invented the slogan 'Oonche log, oonchi pasand'. When someone told him who Tendulkar was, he hung his head for 7 days, and then committed suicide.
19. Azharuddin once said of Sachin: Nahin jeetega! Chote ki naseeb main jeet nahin hai!" For this sin, he has already been punished (by God, not the Sachin-God, one of the other ones) by a life ban for match fixing. Every night he trembles at the thought of what further punishments are to come.
20. Many people have criticized India TV for showing the same piece of 5-second footage 100 times in a half-hour news story. They could have avoided all this criticism by just choosing the 5-second footage of Sachin playing a cover drive - no one would have complained then.
21. The Afro hairstyle was invented after the young Sachin sported it for a few years. Unconfirmed reports say Shahid Afridi's name was also inspired by it.
22. If you are a student, and are asked to write a math proof, and you're stuck, simply write 'bas Sachin ne bola, isliye.' You will get full marks in that question, full marks in all other questions which you have got wrong, and will go to heaven when you die.
23. Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick a guy who wants to shoot him. Rajinikanth can cut the bullet in two after that guy fires at him. Sachin can take his bat and hit both bullets for six.
24. In the future, 24th April will be a national - no, an international - holiday, and sweets will be freely distributed, and fireworks will be burst, and all the poor shall be fed and clothed.
25. If Sachin headbutts all the members of the opposition, and then brutally murders them and then dances semi-naked on the pitch singing Backstreet Boys, he will still be forgiven.
26. One day, Sachin will win all 6 Nobel Prizes. - Peace: no need for a reason, at least nowadays. - Physics: for studies on projectile motion, by hitting sixes regularly and unstoppably. - Chemistry: for making India and Pakistan reconcile, at least while watching his innings. - Medicine: for giving excitable people non-fatal heart attacks when he gets out, and thereby providing a free heart test to all citizens of India. - Economics: for being very rich. - Literature: for inspiring Lolland to write this list.
27. Sachin learnt cricket at the age of 2. He was already good enough then to play for India, but was hidden from everyone else because nobody would have believed it.
28. The reason Sachin has still not got the Bharat Ratna is because the Indian Government is ashamed they have nothing bigger to give him.
29. The :S emoticon (which stands for 'confused') was invented keeping in mind how a bowler bowling to Sachin feels.
30. In cricket computer games, if you try to use a cheat code while bowling to Sachin, the game will crash and your computer will reboot. Even cheat codes take the day off against him.
31. Mathematicians will have a major breakthrough the day Sachin retires. They will take the number of runs he has scored by then, and will therefore be able to find the value of infinity.
32. The people who set up the prayer room in Sachin's house lost an idol of a conventional god, so they just hung a picture of him.
33. Once, Rameez Raja said that Inzamam was the Sachin of Pakistan. This has since gone down in history as the funniest joke of all time. (ironically enough, it came from Rameez; he is not well known for his wit, as this will show.)
34. If not for Sachin, India would currently be competing for a place in the World Cup through qualifiers, along with global giants of the game like Namibia, Bermuda, USA and Scotland.
35. According to the latest reports, heaven is a gigantic lounge with a huge TV, which plays footage of Sachin's cover-driven and straight-driven boundaries throughout all eternity. Hell is a gigantic lounge with a huge TV, which plays footage of Steve Bucknor raising his finger throughout all eternity.
36. If an Indian cricketer has committed a serious breach of discipline (like running naked in the streets, attacking a spectator or being friendly with a Pakistani cricketer), he is made to bowl to Sachin for 2 hours in the nets. Very few people have ever committed a second mistake after this treatment.
37. The Hindu scriptures tell us that Vishnu would come only once again, as Kalki. They forgot to mention his short trip in the late twentieth century, in the form of a diminutive cricketer.
38. The Olympics don't have cricket as one of the sports. This is a cunning conspiracy by all the countries of the world to make sure Sachin doesn't give India gold medal after gold medal.
39. When a bowler from a country other than India wants to watch a horror movie, he doesn't watch the Exorcist, Evil Dead or Sookhi Nadi mein Behti hui Laash. He just watches footage of himself bowling to Sachin Tendulkar.
40. Everyone knows Sachin has a specially heavy bat. In fact, it is infinitely heavy. Any lesser weapon would spontaneously combust in his hands.
41. When you refer to Sachin, you must refer to Him this way, capitalizing the first letter.
42. After Sachin retires, India will suddenly jump to the top of the ODI and Test rankings and stay there for ever. Surprised? Don't be. As of now, all opposition teams have only a plan to tackle Sachin; they don't worry about the rest of the team. After Sachin is gone, the rest of the team will suddenly make their presence felt, and win every match.
43. The band Dire Straits was active till 1995. In 1995, Sachin Tendulkar announced that he was a big Dire Straits fan. The members of the band then felt that they had achieved everything they could possibly have wished for, and dissolved the band, and lived happily ever after.
44. Sachin remembers his every dismissal in test cricket, and the bowler who dismissed him. (this sentence is actually true.) He then smashes the hell out of those same bowlers the very next match.
45. Sachin's bat has no edge - at least, no ball has ever found it.
46. George W. Bush knows who Sachin Tendulkar is.
47. Sachin could bat a 100 innings with Inzamam at the other end and never once get him run out - he would hit only boundaries.
48. This was initially called Master Blaster, but changed its name out of respect to the real Master Blaster.
49. Nobody disturbs Sachin Tendulkar when his Google Chat status is red (for busy).
50. Sachin wears a helmet so that helmet companies get some money, and so that he can sometimes be declared LBW if the ball strikes the helmet - not because he needs it.
51. He has many fans, some of which give testimonials like this: no there are so many things diffrence. sachin is yet playing sachin is good of cricket sachin has baby face sachin has world most records of bating sachin has spirit sahcin has world best power of circket nowaday hi is a god of cricket....N
52. When Muttiah Muralitharan has to bowl to Sachin Tendulkar, the ball refuses to spin even for him, and goes straight to the bat, and then to the boundary.
53. Only Sachin can jerk his groin guard 100 times a match, and have the commentators ignore it totally.
54. When Sachin bats, the Hindi commentators get so much enthusiasm that they start saying things other than their three stock lines 'oh ye tha shandaar shot', 'kyun ji surinder, haan ji maninder' and 'aur ye chauka'.
55. If you saw a bowler with the same action as Sachin, bowling at the same pace, you would think he would have the same level of success that stalwart bowlers like Brian Lara, Dale Steyn or Phil Tufnell. Since it's Sachin, he went on to become the 9th most successful bowler for India in ODIs.
56. Sachin Tendulkar could coach the Bermuda Women's Cricket Team to a World Cup victory.
57. Till Sachin starts playing baseball, no Indian will ever be able to understand it.
58. Even animals appreciate Sachin Tendulkar - those white birds that are always there on Australian grounds stop in the air and watch his shots.
59. Sachin was originally slated to be a guest on Sach ka Saamna, but plans were shelved after nobody could think of any embarrassing questions to ask him.
60. Even Navjot Singh Sidhu doesn't make stupid jokes about Sachin Tendulkar.
61. Every time Sachin plays the leg glance, the soul of Maharaja Ranjitsinghji rests a little more in peace.
62. When cloning of humans becomes possible, no country will let India clone Sachin. At least, the ten other cricketing nations won't.
63. Anyone else except Sachin would get teased mercilessly for his thin voice. However, you can't make fun of God, so nobody takes his case.
64. The Guinness Book of World Records is considering splitting into two volumes - Volume A will have all the other records, and Volume B will have Sachin's and Federer's records. Volume B is expected to be substantially longer.
65. For a big time Sachin fan (about 20% of India) there is at least one member of their close family whom they either love less/know less about than Sachin Tendulkar.
66. Waqar Younis is the most unfortunate human in the world; he is known as 'the other guy who made his debut with Sachin in that 1989 test match'.
67. A run out is the only method of dismissal that the opposing team has where Sachin doesn't already have a huge advantage. Just because he's God, he's good at that as well.
68. Many times, TV channels fool us by showing old footage of a presentation ceremony after a cricket match. As long as we see Sachin getting the Man of the Match award, we assume that the presentation ceremony is the right one.
69. 33% of all accidents in India are caused by drivers twisting their necks to see a small TV in a roadside shop, to check whether Sachin has reached his century or not.
70. We might have mentioned this, but Sachin is God, as the video below should prove.
71. If there was no Sachin, the GDP of India would be 20% more than it is now, because all the people who waste time at office watching him hit yet another century would do productive work.
72. (Suggested by Udit) While school still held his attention Sachin scored the highest ever partnership with his friend Vinod Kambli - 752 runs. Since he is God and he is merciful he only scored 329 and let Kambli score more at 349.
73. (Suggested by Udit) During one match, Sachin was hit by a snorter from Waqar Younis, and he started bleeding after that. But the man He is, He completed His innings, scored a half century, and saved the match for India. No biggie.
74. (Suggested by Udit) When Sachin imports a Ferrari, no-one taxes Him. (We tried unsuccessfully to use this format: When you import a Ferrari, you pay tax to the Government. In BJP India, when Sachin imports a Ferrari, Government taxes you!)
75. (Suggested by Udit) If Sachin was born in 1757, the British would've left right away.
76. (Suggested by Nishanth) Like how movies start with a picture of God, all cricket websites first show Sachin Tendulkar and his statistics on their homepage and only then will the page proceed to show other not-so-important things like the World Cup final Live Scorecard.
77. (Suggested by Nishanth) Had Sachin Tendulkar graduated from an Indian college, at least 90 out of the top 100 universities of the world would have been Indian.
78. (Suggested by Udit) When Sachin makes you an offer, you can't refuse. The sad part is that most of these offers are to bowlers, and are of the form 'get hit for 12 runs this over'.
79. (Suggested by Udit) Sachin is the reason Osama is in hiding.
We would like to reach the magic number of 100 facts. Can you help us? Add more facts in the Comments.
Lolland on Facebook