Worst Cricket Performance... Ever!!

We're not kidding. Worst. Ever.

Worst Cricket Performance... Ever!!

Tagged: cricket, world, DaveDevil, games

Posted in Articles By DaveDevil

Jan 30th 2010, 21:44

This match will teach you many important things, about cricket and life. http://www.cricinfo.com/women/engine/current/match/312284.html

In case this match disappears from cricinfo, a few screenshots:


Important lessons about cricket to be learnt from this:

  1. If making an all time best possible World XI, it will be OK if you leave out members of the Bermuda Women's Cricket Team.
  2. Bermuda gave away 9 wides and 1 no ball in 4 balls. 9 wides???? That's insane. We are not great cricketers ourselves, but we can bowl 1 or 2 straight balls when we want to.
  3. Imagine how solid L. Mienzer's defence must be, to bat doggedly for 48 balls (while all her teammates fell around her) and score only one run.
  4. How would you make a Australian Men vs. Bermuda Women ODI match fair? One way would be to give the Bermuda Women 100 overs and 100 wickets, multiply the number of runs they get by 100, and make the 30-yard circle the boundary line. One would also have to give the Australians 1 ball only for their innings and cut off the hands of the batsmen. Oh wait - we forgot the extraordinary generosity of the Bermudese with wides - they would still lose.
  5. If the opening bowler gave twice as many extras as runs (in 4 balls), just imagine what the rest of the bowlers must have been like.
  6. The wicketkeeper let 4 wides go as well. It is good to know that everyone in the Bermuda team shares the same level of competence.
  7. Imagine what would happen if the South African team had to bat first. A naive reader would think SA would simply score 1,000 runs and win by 990 runs. But that would not happen.

Here's the proof :

Firstly, we reasonably assume that South Africa would bat the full 50 overs. Now, apparently the best bowler of the Bermuda team was able to manage 4 correct balls out of 14. Extrapolating, that means she would take at least 3 overs of attempted bowling to complete 1 proper over. Assuming Bermuda to be equally 'proficient' in batting and bowling, we can safely say that the accuracy of every successive bowler is half of the previous one. So if each bowler bowls 10 attempted overs each, this would amount to only (3.33+1.66+.83+.42+.21 = 6.5) say, 8 legal overs to be generous. Also, we have to consider that one bowler can bowl 10 overs out of 50 before dropping to half her previous accuracy due to fatigue.

The next 50 overs of bowling would yield half as much, i.e 4 more proper overs. The next 50 overs only 2 overs. Going on in this way (and rounding off as required) to reach 50 legal overs, it would take the Bermuda team atleast 24,71,29,550 attempted overs.

Now an average over takes 15 minutes to be bowled. Due to fatigue let every subsequent set of 50 overs be bowled 5 min slower than the first.

Then the total time taken to bowl 50 legal overs is 3.05365 x 10^(15) minutes, or 5.80599 x 10^(9) years. 5.8 billion years is obviously longer than 4.5 billion years which is when the sun will run out of Hydrogen and explode destroying the earth. Hence only one of the two things can happen :

  1. The South African team try to play out their whole innings, but since the earth will be destroyed before this can happen, the match shall be deemed Abandoned due to Bad Weather.
  2. The South African team can refuse to complete their innings (maybe because they just get too old and die, or decide maybe cricket isn't the right career choice after all), in which case they forfeit the match and Bermuda wins.

Thus we see that if only Bermuda had won the toss and fielded first, there was no way they could lose. Hence the Lolland expert cricket review board declared that 'the toss decided the game, South Africa was just lucky they won this time'...


If you dare to disagree with the experts, tell us why, and you had better be right...


Get our latest posts in your mail box!

Email Subscription »


Lolland on Facebook