The Band Recognition Guide

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The Band Recognition Guide

Tagged: music, entertainment, DaveDevil

Posted in Articles By DaveDevil

Jan 30th 2010, 19:33

After reading this guide, you will be able to recognize any music band/artist from the checklist we've given you, based on common things in their songs.

We've only done about 30 bands/artists because music is different experience every time you listen and all that jazz. Please add more points for the same artists/different artists in the Comments section, and we'll put them in our next guide. 

Enigma

  • Strange, mystical sounding Arabian chants.
  • A drum machine beat that is so generic you don't notice its presence.
  • Soft spoken words by a woman.
  • Ambient jungle noise.
  • You fall asleep by the fourth minute.

 

 

Eminem

  • The lyrics are so explicit, you feel ashamed sometimes.
  • Most of the words are in there only because they rhyme. With the explicit words mentioned above.
  • Every alternate line says how his mother sucked. All the others say how his father sucked.
  • If you listen to all his songs and make a list of the people who have done something bad to him, you will never finish it.
  • Every song mentions Michael Jackson.

 

Nirvana

  • He sounds so depressed, you would think he would have killed himself long ago.
  • The guitar playing closely resembles (in technical prowess) that of an infant monkey taught guitar by a pink haired punk guitarist.
  • The vocals are exclusively nose-produced, making you feel sorry for Himesh Reshammiya, who is essentially criticized for doing the same thing.
  • The riff at the beginning of Smells like Teen Spirit is so good, it is repeated in two other songs.

 

 

Linkin Park

  • Song structure - soft, rap, chorus, soft, rap, chorus, soft bridge, heavy chorus
  • Lead singer screaming in pain (because of getting a new piercing before every new song)
  • Lot of anger and hate filled lyrics about the injustices of life, reflecting how you felt when your dad refused to give you pocket money
  • It sounds like the last LP song you heard
  • LP transforms from hard rock to pop so fast that you can hear the song turning pop in 4 minutes.

 

U2

  • The guitar sound never even approaches a 'normal' guitar sound, found in any other song by any other band on earth.
  • If the song is from a concert, it will have more lectures on morality than a church sermon.
  • Album names get longer and longer.

 

 

50 Cent

  • The lyrics use 10 offensive words for homosexual people.
  • The lyrics use 1 offensive word for African-American people.
  • The lyrics use 100 offensive words for women.
  • The lyrics use 10000 other generic offensive words.
  • The setting is always in a club or in a parking lot full of Mercedes-Benzes.

 

Bryan Adams

  • 90% chances are the song is 'Summer of 69'.
  • Wikipedia calls Bryan Adams 'rock', but you will disagree.
  • The lyrics are about a girl. Always.

 

Soulja Boy

 

Backstreet Boys

  • Everyone sings. Like girls.
  • Everyone sings. About girls. The word 'girl' appears 10000 times per song.
  • All songs are about relationships with members of the opposite sex, even though most people suspect the members of the band to have no interest whatsoever in the opposite sex.
  • If you're watching a video, it will have more dancing than singing/instrument playing. In fact, half the members will only dance.
  • The lyrics you hear were not written by the band members, which probably explains point 3.

 

 

Rage Against the Machine

  • There is no singer as pissed off as this one - he curses the American and every other establishment freely in his lyrics.
  • There is no guitarist as pissed off with his guitar as this one, he makes it cry out loud in pain every minute of the song, to produce his effects.
  • There are no fans as pissed off as fans of this band, because the band can't decide whether to reunite properly (and do a new album) or not.
  • If you start listening to the lyrics (unlikely), you will learn more about politics than 10 years of Civics taught you. Of course, both lessons are wrong in practice :(

 

Radiohead

  • The singer is the most depressed person in the world, so much so that he sometimes actually cries during the song.
  • The words are not sung in a precisely British/American accent.
  • There is always a whining stretch of vocals leading to orchestra music, with millions of guitars, keyboards and intermittent scary background vocals.

 

AC/DC

  • There is only one AC/DC song in the world... if you are over 18 and you have never heard that song, and you're hearing it now, you're in the wrong bar.
  • If the song you're listening to has the words 'rock' or 'black' in it and repeated 200 times, you just might be listening to AC/DC.

 

Def Leppard

  • The backing vocals are actually the leading vocals, in terms of importance to the song.
  • The drum pattern is the same in each song, but you can't blame Rick, we suppose.
  • There is no song without the word 'baby' strewn all over it.
  • The song has the chorus repeated anywhere between 5 and 15 times.
  • Sometimes, it seems like the verse is deliberately made bad so that the chorus' awesomeness stands out.

 

 Limp BizkiT

  • The song is not a song. Someone is talking, just way too fast.
  • It makes you want to put your cap on backwards.
  • Any song will have atleast 10 "F***"s in it. Sometimes he even counts them.
  • The DJ often seems to be scratching because he has nothing better to do, and not because the song needs it.

 

Metallica

  • Since 1988, every solo in every song has featured exclusive and extensive use of the wah pedal.
  • Every live song and most studio songs have '-a' or '-oh, yeah' tacked on to the last word in every line for effect.
  • If it's a song written after 1986, you can't hear the bass.

 

Rammstein

  • The song sounds unnaturally brutal, because the lyrics are in German, a language admirably suited for guttural growling.
  • The song sounds unnaturally brutal, because the singer has one of those voices which are deeper than the Pacific Ocean.
  • In the unlikely event that you know German, the lyrics are about delightful family subjects like disasters, cannibalism, murder and torture.
  • The structure of the song is the same as that of a typical dance track, only there's distorted guitars. And the aforementioned deep vocals.

 

Ozzy Osbourne

  • The guitarist sounds like he's high.
  • The singer is high, even if he doesn't sound like it.
  • Every word of the lyrics is 10 seconds long.

 

Porcupine Tree

  • The song always starts with a single instrument playing till you are just about to get bored. Then follows another instrument and then another. If you suddenly scroll to the end of the song, you will notice that same intro riff is still being played by zillions of other instruments, which must have joined somewhere along the way.
  • The vocals don't go up or down in pitch much.
  • In order to make songs insanely long, 5 songs are sometimes combined into one, regardless of their relation to each other.

Guns N' Roses

  • The Slash solo is usually the best part of the song, and sounds different from any other solo you have ever heard (at least, that's what our resident GNR fan says).
  • The last word of the song is stretched out to last for a minute.

 

Led Zeppelin

  • Somewhere in the song, the singer will suddenly start screaming in a way that recalls a tribal chant, or an animal in extreme pain. This happens 10 times per song.
  • Most songs would be mistaken for Arabic hymns if not for the occasional English lyrics.
  • The only band which can sound effeminate and satanic at the same time.

 System of a Down

  • When they're fast, they're faster than anyone. Except maybe DragonForce.
  • The singer has such an unusual voice, it would have sounded like bathroom singing in any other band.
  • Many tunes sound like they could have appeared in one of those Mario type video games.

 Megadeth

  • The singer sounds like he could do with one of those Cure-for-Severe-Constipation-Problem medicines.
  • Every other song is played by a new band lineup, but the singer stays the same, because well, there are not many who can sing like that for sure.

 DragonForce

  • Faster than anything (in the studio).
  • All lyrics are compulsorily about heroism, dragonslaying, battles, valour and glorious death.
  • The drummer plays at 240 beats per minute.
  • During the solo, the guitarists play 1000000 notes per second. They slow down during the verses, only playing 500000.
  • They were called Nintendo metal for a reason.

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