Banned!!! - Turtles are Evil

Read this article, and you will agree.

Banned!!! - Turtles are Evil

Tagged: entertainment, Darth Nirius, comic, games

Posted in Articles By Darth Nirius

Jan 30th 2010, 18:40

We have banned turtles, for their vicious, violent and evil natures. We know you are surprised. You are saying to yourself 'But they're so slow! Lazy and inactive! They never do any harm, how can they be evil?'

Yes, we have proof.


First, Mario.

Everyone who has played this immortal game hates the very sight of a turtle. Turtles can render the effect of mushrooms null and void; they can kill Mario when he is small. Every Mario player is conditioned to jump and kick the hell out of every turtle that so much as shows its head.

Some people still feel that these turtles are only following orders. They are minions coerced into evildoing by the Boss, and should be forgiven. We ask you, who is the Boss? King Bowser the terrible - he who troubled you so much that you had nightmares and had to turn for the first time to cheat codes for help? All the evil, all the lying, cheating and stealing, that you will ever do in the rest of your life can be traced to that first instance of typing in 'God' or 'BadAss'. And guess what, King Bowser, the evil-doer, the princess stealer... yes, he is a turtle as well.



Second, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

These four renegades have engendered violence in more young children than anything else, even the WWE. Groups of four children have, throughout history, taken on the roles of these four turtles and started beating up each other. Hence they are banned, for taking vigilante-ism to the children.



Third, Chukwa.

In Hindu mythology, Chukwa is the first and oldest turtle, supporting the Earth on its back. Now that's one really messed up theory. Doesnt the turtle move, or swim, or eat? What does it eat? Because turtles need the earth to live on, and if the earth needed a turtle to rest on, then which came first, the Earth or the Turtle. Let's not even get started on the 4 elephants which are supposed to be standing on the turtle upon whom the earth is to be resting. It is rumoured that it was the paradox that kept the Indians busy while the European colonists, having eaten all the turtles they could find thus escaping the evil influence of the turtle paradox, landed on the Indian shores.


Ok so you're still not convinced. You are holding on to your ridiculous prejudices and defending uninformed arguments. "All these turtles are fictional" you say. Fine. We have good solid photographic evidence that turtles are the most evil creatures on the planet. We offer no commentary, no arguments... Just see the photos below and decide for yourself.


Evil Turtles Bent On World Domination










And finally, see this last one enlarged, but only in daytime and with friends or family around to comfort you.


We Rest Our Case Turtles are Banned !!! Any questions? If you hate turtles but like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, do not despair. We have a sneaking admiration for them as well, which is why we made these people our national protectors.


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