Guides - How to be a successful astrologer

How to say nothing but mean everything.

Guides - How to be a successful astrologer

Tagged: entertainment, DaveDevil, science, supernatural

Posted in Articles By DaveDevil

Jan 27th 2010, 08:44

An astrologer has one great enemy - Fact. All his/her predictions will be, one day, tested against the facts. It is therefore essential that you learn how to say things that are correct in any situation.

A few examples:


1. A young couple has come to you and asked you to predict the future of their baby: this is the easiest. You should say things like 'He will be very happy', since almost everyone is very happy at some point of their lives. Usually, a statement like 'he/she will get married to a very beautiful/handsome boy/girl' is pretty saf e as well. Most people get married, and will rather die than admit that they married a horseface.


2. A news channel has called you to predict something like the future life of a celebrity couple or the future relations between India and Pakistan. Pretty easy. For the celebrity couple, look sad and grave and say that Saturn opposes their marriage, and that it will be difficult for them. If the couple is not Indian, they will divorce in eight months. If its a Bollywood couple, they will act in at least one movie together which will be a disastrous flop, so your predication is good enough. Future relations between India and Pakistan are easier still. Just say that you see a lot of struggle and strife in the future - you cannot go wrong.


3. A news channel has called you to expose you as a fraud. Now you're in trouble, since they will probably ask which team will win the next day's cricket match or what time the sun will set tomorrow. This is what separates the men of astrology, from the starry-eyed boys. Now is the time to call upon all that you learned in astrology school and spin the web of bullshit. If you are a novice, you could try getting angry and saying that your divine and celestial art does not do such small things. But if you can pull it off convincingly, you have to go with something like - "England will win if Jupiter is in the eighth house, while Mars and Uranus move from the 14th gharaana into the 6th decanate. But if the Fiery Triplicity constellations move out of the 4th house, then England will lose. Those guys dont like the British much. Of course this prediction assumes the acronychal of the Alpha Centauri at 4:22 am of the morning of the match, if that doesn't happen a comet will destroy Earth before the match ends." If you said this right and in a single self-assured breath, wait for the applause... you are now 'the man'.



If the news channel has hired an astrologer who has sold his soul to the devil and chosen to expose your 'scientific prediction', the above strategy may not work. There are 2 possibilities

1. The traitor could be a bigger noob than you at astrology trying to rise to the top the easy way, in which case, you must summarily humiliate him on national television and devour his self respect till he commits suicide. Dare noone challenge you ever again.

2. The traitor could also be a pro, means you are @#$%ed. Run away to Africa, and become a witch doctor.


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