Poor is the new standard

A review of the downgrade, 24 days later

Poor is the new standard

Tagged: business, news, world

Posted in Articles By Darth Nirius

Aug 30th 2011, 04:53

The world is changing. The once mighty and unilateral superpower of the world is crumbling. The US credit rating was downgraded last Friday, from a perfect AAA to a meager 'very good' AA+ rating. The decision was made by Standard and Poor's, whose name has always inspired great fiscal confidence. The last time people heard about this company was when they re-re-remortgaged their house before the mortgage crisis and recession of 2008, and were assured that their loans had an "AAA" gold rating by Standard and Poor's. Thankfully, all those people are now dead or beggars, otherwise we might have worldwide panic today. World markets have been on roller coasters in anticipation of what could be a global economic crisis, and a possible recession. The Dow Jones plummeted 600 points, the biggest drop since 2 days before. Now that it has finally happened, no one really knows what lies in the future for the US and indeed the world. However, if we know one thing from history, it is that ignorance is never a hindrance to opinions.

Most US politicians would agree. 2012 Presidential nominee and aspiring crazy-eyed hypnotist Michelle Bachmann says the education system reform is essential to economic turnaround of the US. She has suggested the education in US today is highly polarized in the wrong direction and is teaching the wrong messages. “Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders, is take a picture of ‘The Lion King for instance, and a teacher might say, ‘Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?’ The message is: I’m better at what I do, because I’m gay.”

Barack Obama has been largely silent so far, emulating heads of state in some other countries. In his only address so far, he drew attention to the fact that some investors felt that the US deserved an AAAA rating, and that the AA+ downgrade was only because S&P doubted the political system’s ability to act. Some analysts are predicting that this will translate into a sure election loss for him, unless he is able to bring Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein back to life and execute them, and also assassinate Fidel Castro. These events are thought to be unlikely.

The crisis in the US has made its presence felt in India as well. The public at large seems to be happy – from tea stalls to dinner tables to board meetings; everyone has a chance to finally be the natural born MBA who never got through CAT. Overheard at a supplies shop: “Oh you don’t know this? Let me explain it to you. It's all about batteries. US has now stopped using AAA batteries. Now all the high end devices will use only an AA+ battery, which is a medium size between AAA and AA. That’s why the stock market is falling because battery companies are going into loss. I suggest you don’t buy these AAA batteries and wait a few months for the new AA+ ones.” However many parents are said to have panicked when their sons and daughters got excellent grades in school exams this year and are now reportedly pressuring their kids to only be very good and not excellent, so as to maximize their chances of emigrating to the US.

Says Rahul (name not changed at desperate requests) of I**M, the US just has to buckle down. They have a bad fiscal policy, overextended budgetary allocations and they desperately need socio-economic reform. They have waited too long to do their homework and now they don’t have enough credits for... you know credits, to make new colleges. That's why their education system is the worst in the world."

India TV has led the charge of investigative journalism and their crack team of astrologers has concluded that the US has Shani in the 8th pahar and needs to sacrifice 3 million goats to win Shani's favor. However they then also predicted that the Americans are likely to get it wrong and kill 3 million cows instead and force Shani to destroy the world in hellfire.

Whether this downgrade will have any long term effect on the US or not is unknown. One thing is for certain, we are all going to be poor and starve to death soon. Soon the AA+ US will become a barren wasteland like the other AA+ nations (e.g. Japan and China) are today, and then the plague of downgrades will spread to other parts of the world. Eventually India itself will be downgraded to ... well apparently India is rated BBB!!!

I feel so poor right now. It seems like poor is the new standard.


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