As every news channel knows, Baba Ramdev has made some demands of the Government. What they do not know is their real meaning, or of the 13 supplementary secret demands.
We do. Before you start reading this work of gripping fiction, please chant the following:
Baa Baa Ram Dev have you any food?
Yes sir yes sir 3 meals full
One for the morning
One for the noon
And one for the midnight when the police catch the fools.
What the demands really mean: Exposed
The secret 13 demands
Now, we come to the secret list of demands that have not yet been released to the press. The first few don’t have details - he was at his second brunch so his assistant just told us about these:
1. Gillette should come up with Mach-10 so that he can shave his beard
2. Gillette should come up with Mach-28 so that he can shave his hair
3. Rakhi ka Insaaf should be the official Supreme Court of India
4. All contestants of Bigg Boss should perform Yoga for 480 minutes every morning in the next season
5. Hunger strike should be hence forth defined as any instant when hunger strikes
6. Shahid Afridi and Rekha should testify that their youth is due to Baba Ramdev’s Yoga
7. All members of the army, police, air force and management professionals should stop wearing shirt/pant/suits/uniforms and switch to orange dhoti
Then the man himself came to us and explained the other demands in detail:
8. All expenses towards Yoga should be service tax exempt. They should also be exempt from VAT, CST, LST, octroi and educational cess.
This is a clever move to ensure that his hold will spread to each and every corner of India, right from Kibithu to Ghuar Mota, from Indira point to Dafdar. As a result his fan following will be so wide spread that he will be the only person capable of putting up a political party capable of winning all 543 Lok Sabha seats. He will also be able to contest all Assembly, Panchayat and Zilla Parishad seats. Then he will make Rebecca Black compose another song about the difficulty of choosing seats.
9. All Hindutva organizations should be banned.
Though to the world it seems as if Baba is a force backed by RSS, the reality is far from that. He wants to get rid of everything that’s orange. He also wants Nagpur to be declared as a separate sovereign state so that there is no orange in India. All these manifestations of orange will be eradicated and there will be only one BRO - Baba Ramdev’s Orange. Our BRO will defend and protect us according to the BRO Code.
10. Air India should be renamed as BRA - Baba Ramdev’s Airlines.
His private jet is old. With so many homeless poor followers, it is necessary that people are able to travel to different places whenever a rally becomes necessary. In addition, his yogic powers can make the aircraft travel without using fuel (Air India can’t afford any, in any case). This will reduce emission of green gases and reduce pollution. As a result, the colour orange will signify environment frandliness instead of green, and there will be marathons run in this regard. The marathons will be called BROOM - Baba Ramdev’s Orange Olympic Marathons.
11. Sex Education to be replaced by Yoga
If people know how to have safe sex, they will know that there are some things in life that Yoga can’t buy, and this will be bad. The ban on sex education will also ensure people do not know how to have safe sex, and this will ensure the prominence of Yoga as the #1 cure for AIDS. He will personally meet all couples and sign the BREAST - Baba Ramdev’s End Adult Sex Treaty.
11. AIDS to be no longer called a disease
Who said AIDS was a disease? Same sex marriage is a disease. AIDS are what you get when you need help and someone comes and helps you. Baba Ramdev had once given his yoga lessons to Kim II-Sung, and then North Korea never saw AIDS again. No wonder Baba claims that he has cured AIDS. All it took to do this was a phenomenal global movement which was popularly called BREAD - Baba Ramdev’s End Aids Disease Movement.
12. Non Vegetarian food should be banned
Baba Ramdev believes in respecting everything that moves (no wonder he has taken on the Indian Government). His medicines are solutions to the problems of love, life and beyond. There are rumours spread by some evil elements in the Delhi Police that his medicines have animal parts as ingredients. Hence, once non-veg is banned, these medicines will be the only source of meat and will contribute to an incremental $ 45 Trillion sale. Every strict non-vegetarian will be queueing up for a fix of BRAIN - Baba Ramdev’s Animal Induced Narcotics.
13. Ladies should only wear white salwar kameez
Once Baba takes over the world, all males will be abstinent from sex. As a result, our Baba, who loves to lead by example, will make every female wear white so that it symbolizes the effective widowhood. The salwar kameez part is a disguise next time the police come to Ramlila Maidan.
Lolland on Facebook