Cricket is Evil!

Analysis of the only article on the net that says that cricket is evil

Cricket is Evil!

Tagged: cricket, india, supernatural, Life

Posted in Articles By Darth Nirius

Mar 27th 2011, 13:37

There’s a lot of talk today about ‘cricket fever’. The whole of India can’t wait to watch the India-Pakistan match on Wednesday, and thirst for the cup is insatiable. It would take a brave man to go against this tide of love for cricket and tell it like it is – that cricket is just another game.

Our friends at a certain website (link at the end of the article) have no lack of bravery – they have managed to prove that cricket is evil in 41 easy steps. Read on for our analysis of why their argument makes sense.

Excerpt: ‘Bat’ and ‘Ball’ – is anti-social ‘burning coal’ given by the British to Indians while leaving India. (Mr. Narayan Prahlad Awati, Pune, ‘Dainik Maharashtra Times’ dated 5.11.1999)

Our comment: The bold and beautiful strategy of the writers of this incisive piece is evident! Rather than cite credible sources (people of great stature and with knowledge of both the game in question and life in general), the authors choose instead to cite letters written by the common man to the editor. That is the literary equivalent of analysing the philosophy of twitter updates. In that grim context, there is also a subtle reference to how the British took all the poetry and left us with none: the lines ‘Bat and Ball’ and ‘… anti-social burning coal’ actually rhyme, but only in the British accent. Shades of Emily Dickinson.

1A 6. Cricket can be a dangerous game as it gives demonic pleasure

The authors choose to let this revolutionary statement speak for itself, offering no supporting points as to what particular type of demonic pleasure cricket facilitates. However, what they did not say is as illuminating as what they did say. Given its demonic nature, there is a chance that cricket might be dangerous. This means that some forms of demonic pleasure are not dangerous. Their point is further supported by a visual on my TV right now – of Muttiah Muralitharan’s face just before he delivers a ball.

We are silenced. Some people have complained that the age of the great painters is past, that we will never again see the like of a Picasso or a Van Gogh or a Cellini. They haven’t seen the devil in the top right corner of this picture.

In the World Cup tournament played in the year 1999, Debashish Mohanty, an Indian bowler clean bowled English player Graham Hick. Few young men from Malkajgiri, Dist. Ranga Reddy in Andhra Pradesh burst crackers in their over enthusiasm. One cracker flew in the air and hit the throat of a six year old boy injuring him who later succumbed to the injury. (Dainik Pudhari, 1.6.1999)

The Six Degrees of Separation concept is one that is not easily understood by everyone. Using the same technique of proof, one can show in 6 easy steps or less that Sachin Tendulkar was behind 9/11. When a young Saudi boy wanted to play baseball, all his friends called him a retard and went to watch Sachin play cricket. Neglected by society the boy grew up hating the world, the boy we now know as Osama. And we are heartened to see the writer continuing with his eclectic choice of sources; Dainik Pudhari must surely be the least known newspaper in India starting with the word ‘Dainik’.

Cricket is an anti-national game involving loss of working hours and this has been realized by developed countries; therefore, they keep away from cricket

At this point, the skill of the writer crosses the fine line between skill and genius, and also crosses the further line between genius and divine madness. The author can see forward in time; he knows that some of his less brain-dead readers will raise the objection that the sole reason other countries don’t play cricket at the World Cup is that they suck at it. Using his triple Economics and Finance Ph.Ds., the author makes a firm fact basis for his allegation that Western countries care only about profitability and working hours and not sports, thereby ensuring that the voices of rational people who might point out that typical working hours in India are longer than those in other countries will never be heard.

It has been said by China that ‘wasting thousands of hours in cricket is not affordable to us.’

Very few people know that countries have voices. The writer is one such person. China spoke to him in his dream one night, and spoke for the millions of people living in it, who all felt that they wanted to work more and afford more things, and who chose not playing cricket as the one way to achieve this. It spoke fondly of its child, Chinatown, and her younger brother, Little China. Reportedly, China is also very upset at its brother who got into the cutlery business. All this was said by China to the writer, and so no one else in the world knows about this conversation.

Other than few players, national and multinational companies and TV channels, this game has not benefited any one; moreover, the game causes loss to a person, his family, society, culture, moral values and finance; therefore, all English medium schools should be banned which are the root cause of all problems, TV channels should be closed down and cricket should be totally banned.

This is the next level evolution of the popular saying ‘Kill two birds with one stone’. The author seeks to kill three birds, the first two of which are quite large, like eagles, without having any stones at all himself. Banning all English medium schools and closing down all TV channels are such large changes that banning cricket will not even be noticed. It will also lead to a revolution where people will rise up and kill all the leaders. Since revolutions take time and lives, they will throw the stones and there are two things which could happen: A. most cricketers will die in the riot. This will help to solve the population problem and help India achieve its full potential B. people will forget about cricket and go over to more bloody sports like death matches or lion pits. Either way the target is achieved.

Out of the population of 170 crores 31 lakhs in 10 countries where cricket is played, the population of other countries except India is 51 crores 83 lakhs (which is less than half the poplation of India). In these countries also, if population of Pakistan, Bangla Desh and Srilanka is taken out (which were earlier a part of India) which is 35 crores 50 lakhs, what remains is only population of 16 crores 33 lakhs (that is about 1and ½ times population of Maharastra) The population of New Zeland is less than the population of Mumbai. Out of the 223 countries in the world, 210 countries do not play cricket.  

For this analysis, it seems likely that a team of 250 IIM students worked a year, with access to all data available with google, CIA, Wikipedia and God. The analytical process followed is distinctive for the shortcuts it takes: removing the rest of the subcontinent because it was once part of India is never explained; it’s like reading something in a textbook and being told to believe it because it’s true. Also, random facts are thrown in to dazzle the casual reader with the vast knowledge of the writer. The populations of New Zealand and Maharashtra have nothing to do with anything else, but they are mentioned. This teaches one that statistics are awesome and, used judiciously, prove everything.

Also, the last sentence is special in that there are not 223 countries in the world, more than 13 countries play cricket, and there are no spelling mistakes. Since a double negative makes a positive, it proves the truth of the rest of the section.

In Olympic or Commonwealth, hockey is played. Earlier India used to win one and only gold medal in hockey. If not India, Pakistan used to win it; but when other countries started playing hockey, it became very difficult for India or Pakistan to reach even qualifying rounds. If other countries start playing cricket, same will be the position with cricket also.

The author cunningly goes against everything that he was portraying in the past, ignoring the fact that USA and China are rat-race like countries hell bent on productivity and putting a dire scenario in front of our eyes: one where they start playing cricket and make us Associate countries. This is extremely strategic: the author knows that we may discard each of his initial arguments and hold on to our love for cricket – he has then placed the thing we love in peril.

Students should play national games like Kabaddi, kho-kho etc.

When trying to convince someone, making them challenge their most basic beliefs is something that often works. This is what has been done in this sentence: it is designed to get the reader thinking: “Isn’t hockey the national sport? I’m not sure – let me check Wikipedia or ask somebody.” And then there will be a delay while this question is resolved, and tempers will be lost and people will be more willing to play kabaddi or kho kho as opposed to the more pacifist cricket. Mission accomplished!

The souls playing on the cricket ground are in ‘manifest’ form; but due to their ‘illusory’ behavior, it becomes difficult to know that they are in ‘manifest’ form.

Try telling Dwayne Leverock that he’s not in manifest form. He’s no illusion!

Many virtuous souls were pulled towards this game and emission of black energy was started through the ‘Sattva’. As a result, the game became popular within short period in whole of India and when the world cup was won by India in 1983, it got further momentum. It was, in fact, the ploy of the ‘mantriks.’ 

The author uses the doubt inherent in every Indian’s mind extremely skillfully. Deep down, every Indian questions how 183 could have won a match. The explanation is in this paragraph. It was the ploy of the mantriks!

Cricket is an illusory type of game. When one watches it while it is being telecast, 30 % of thick, sticky and heavy covering of 1 foot is created on the one who is  watching and 10 % of such covering is created on those who listen to it.

Many virtuous souls were attracted to this path and their merits were used up.

We thought that finally the author had lost his marbles and started writing about his delusions. But then we did a survey and many men and women confirmed the accuracy of this astounding observation, they were indeed covered by thick, sticky liquid every time they watched Sachin cover drive. Yet again, the acute perceptive genius author is able to see through layers of denim and understand what really goes on in the minds and pants of the Indian demographic.

We recommend that everyone read this article and apply its teachings, and banish cricket from their lives. Of course, we will wait till after April 2 to do that.

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