Lagabelu jab lipistic

The most crazy event ever, and the most crazy reaction ever

Lagabelu jab lipistic

Tagged: politics, news, education, india, Life

Posted in Articles By Darth Nirius

Oct 30th 2010, 04:59

News has emerged from our favourite part of the country. Something of great evil has come to pass and if it is not nipped right in the bud, it will fester and grow and spread to the rest of the nation and will soon threaten our very way of life.

Citizens, as we have always maintained, IIT's are a blot on our country's landscape. Them and their fancy nerdbrains, feeding off all our taxpayers money and then running off to the USA. But this time... this time, they have really crossed the line. If you havent heard the news, well,

You, who are still reading, which means you are not a true Indian because you have not gouged your eyes out in anguish. Boys with lipstick in their mouths!! Applying lipstick on girls!!! My hands tremble in rage but for the sake of this nation, and for the sake of you heretics who need salvation, read on for I shall write, so you may at least now see the light.

What has our culture come to?

The All-Encompassing Indian Student Council and the Hindu Waking Stage are right. Boys with lipstick in their mouths applying it on girls is against Indian culture. Boys applying lipstick on girls is against Indian culture. Boys and girls and college in the same sentence is also against Indian culture, unless it's something like: "there are no boys in this all girls college". According to the Code, the only sticks boys can use on girls at all must be -

  1. made of split bamboo or rope
  2. must not break the woman's bones
  3. must not have been used on animals,

and lipsticks violate 2 out of these 3 rules. This is blasphemy and we must protest this is the boldest and loudest way possible: by burning effigies of the Dean of IITR. Effigy burning also happens to be very much in tune with Hindu culture, given that we've been doing it since Treta Yuga. But why is only the saffron brigade challenging this outrageous act? I think given the chance this is one issue where everyone from the BJP to the Congress to even the Maoists should come together and burn the effigies of the Dean.

On a side note, I think the roadside painter/ hawker who saw this coming years ago and had the foresight to have dozens of flammable effigies of the Dean of IITR ready and for sale is a genius and must be given an entrepreneurship award.

But I know what will happen. Despite their noble intentions, our ADD ridden saffron friends will forget the perpetrators of this crime and while their leaders somehow try to prove that this was all a twisted plot by Congress to sell Italian-made lipsticks and the followers will simply start killing and raping random bystanders while they are bored. And their inertia will allow the students and parents to regroup and defend their actions. Yes we've heard it time and again...

"Oh, it's just a game. Nothing vulgar about it, lipstick is just a toy... like Valentine's day cards or MMS camera phones. It does not destroy lives or lead to anything bad."
"Oh, I raised my sons and daughters with good family values and I think if they are mature enough to drink and drive and reach home safe, they are definitely mature enough to handle a small game, however obscene."
"There are no sexual connotations. Students in colleges don't even know anything about sex. We made sure of that when we decided not to have sex education in schools. It's not like they are gonna be trying sex when they don't know anything about it?"
"Yes, I am an IITian and I am saving myself for marriage. Yes, even though I could have as much sex as I want, I choose not to. Yes, I get offered tons of sex everyday. Tons... everyday."

And then our saffron brethren will look like goondas just trying to get political mileage out of such a delicate and important issue and their noble selfless intentions of winning the elections will be thwarted once more.

And therefore I write. For the solution is simple, and elegant, and does not involve bloody riots.

Now many people, so called smart people, say that we should not make all our existing colleges IITs. I think thats a great thing because then they won't be smarter than us anymore because we'll all be from IIT, so we'll all be the smartest people in the country. They say thats a fallacy of erroneous induction and that if we are all the smartest, then none of us are smart. I think their theory is obviously a fallacy of not friggin' making any friggin' sense. But lets just humour them for just a brief minute. If that is indeed so, then I say, we should take this plan to the next level and actually have such cultural festivals and obscene competitions in all IITs by which I mean all colleges in India. And then, we would all be obscene and the most sinful people, and by their logic, none of us would be.

And thus I have broken down all of their arguments. Its a win-win situation; if their logic is correct then we become the most pious and pristine nation in the world, and undoubtedly the global superpower in heaven, and if their logic is wrong then we become the smartest nation in the world and thus the global superpower in this world. Either way, it is clear that the only way forward is to turn all the colleges of India into IITs and then organise the sleaziest, most sick and twisted competitions and festivals in all of them.

My personal idea for an event: The lipstick competition followed by a dance by the couples in this song, especially the expression-rich hero:




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