Tuffy for Bowden

Take a Bow-Wow: ICC to replace Bowden with Tuffy in umpiring Elite Panel

Tuffy for Bowden

Tagged: bollywood, cricket, fantasy

Posted in Articles By BigShow

Oct 19th 2010, 12:39

From our favourite sports site - The Big Show.

Cricket’s governing body, the ICC, has come up with a revolutionary decision to answer critics questioning the credibility of some of the umpires on the Elite Panel. The crooked finger has specifically been pointed towards Billy ‘Buffon’ Bowden lately, whose appalling role as an umpire has long begun to overshadow his crowd pleasing clown acts. An emergency meet was called up, to immediately settle the issue without uttering the four letter word ‘UDRS’ which would have potentially led to the dissolution of ICC by BCCI. After going through a series of equally worthy applications, mostly comprising Billy impersonators with wilder range of antics, the jury unanimously selected the most suitable replacement: Tuffy, the wonder dog-umpire (who has now been playfully re-christened by fans as Billy Bow-Wow Den)

For the uninitiated, Tuffy has been successfully officiating matches since 1995, and has shown great character to stand his ground in tough situations. His iconic performance as the officiating chair umpire in the crunch boys vs. girls post nuptial match in the unforgettable family drama ‘Hum Aaapke Hain Kaun’ had won over so many fans that the movie became the highest grosser in Bollywood. Apart from his attire, which removes all doubt of his role in the field (unlike Billy Bowden), what won over the judges was the unshaking faith in his own abilities. The video shows how he would have been a better judge of the situation involving Clarke and Ishant, making the referral to the third umpire unnecessary.

ICC has also released a document detailing the advantages of this rather unconventional move.

  1. Better Skills

    The only reason Billy Bowden kept his place was because of his clownish performances, which kept the crowd entertained during boring periods, or added to the excitement during charged upmoments. That includes his umpiring bit.

    Tuffy beats Billy on the antics parts, tails down; surely Billy cannot jump through a ring of fire? With his job at stake, maybe yes. Tuffy scores much higher on the umpiring skills part, as can be adjudged from the video.

  2. Pro-active Measures

    Having Tuffy on the field eliminates the need of match referees and other useless officials to curb on-field incidents. Try appealing excessively, or sledging, or being Sreesanth and don’t blame ICC if you are chased round the ground with your backside in serious danger of being bitten off.

    The ICC officials will also save a lot of money, which can then be safely pocketed.


    ICC's "You tamper with our ball, we tamper with yours" policy in action

  3. Ball Tampering

    With Tuffy, ICC has strictly enforced the “You-Tamper-With-Our-Ball-We-Tamper-With-Yours” policy. Tuffy has been trained to punish any ball tampering players with, well, let us say an unkind chomp in the groin region. Nut case!

    In related news, Pakistan has instructed all players to take the field wearing abdomen guards.

  4. Additional Benefits

    Being trained to sniff banned substances, Tuffy can get hold of any dope trying to get smart with ICC. Mohd. Asif has announced retirement from cricket after this announcement became public.

    Tuffy can also chase down the odd canine counterparts that trod over to the playing area, with an inexplicable urge to wet the outfield in front of thousands of spectators and millions of viewers.

Like all revolutionary decisions, ICC is well aware of the down-sides of this move. Tuffy’s inherent tendencies to grab the moving ball have occasionally caused problems by stopping certain boundaries in some cases. The condition of the ball after coming out his mouth has led to frequent ball changes. But, ICC insists these are trivial issues when you consider the extent of damage a Billy Bowden decision has on the course of the game.

When Tuffy was contacted to let us know his feelings on the announcement, he looked visibly excited and let out a hearty ‘Woof Woof’. Billy Bowden was contacted for his reactions, and all he could manage was an angry snarl and shouted “Grrrrrrr” at the terrified reporters. So little to choose.

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