What's his name?

You call a guy whose name you can't pronounce. What do you do?

What's his name?

Tagged: movies, fantasy, language, Life

Posted in Articles By DaveDevil

Oct 17th 2010, 10:01

You are calling the foreign CEO of your company for the first time. This is your big break, you're actually talking to... wait, you know his name, Mr... Mr.. oh yeah, Mr Fuches. The phone rings twice. He picks up. Suddenly, you realize that you don't know how to pronounce his name. You have to talk to him right now. You can't piss him off. There's no time to google.
What you do:
Open this Lol-land article (which doesn't make much sense, seeing as you're already reading it). Do one of the five things below.
1. The Other Call
Mission: to convince Mr. Fuches that another call is cutting into yours
Procedure: Start with "Good morning, Mr..." and just abruptly put on a fatherly voice and say "Beta, theek to hai na." Switch back into "How're you doing today, Mr ... are wo to pagal hai pagal". Keep switching to the other 'call' whenever his name comes up.  
How it could fail: He could just say "Let's hang up and I'll call you back." Then you will have to invent a different voice for each hang up and hope that he realizes that the cutting-in calls don't really get in the way of the important parts of the call, just the names, and forgets about it.
2. The Accent  
Mission: to convince Mr. Fuches that you are an extremely exotic person, who pronounces every word differently from anyone else.
How to do it: This works easily only if you have an exotic accent. Otherwise, just try to picture your local MLA speaking English two years ago when he/ she wanted your vote. That's exotic. So you say "Ghoaoioddd meorrnhing Mr. Shutaiz." Oh, in my country F is pronouced as Sh and so on.
How it could fail: Mr. Fuches might just be a geography/linguistics major.
3. Know your enemy  
Mission: to make him tell you his name.
How to do it: You put on a fake voice and say "I received a call from this number? Who am I speaking to?" He tells you (if he just tells you his first name it's just not your day, quit your job and kill yourself, or wait for tomorrow) and you thank him and say you are from XYZW Financial Services and would he really like to invest in... . He hangs up. You call him back, using your real voice.
How it could fail: You can't fake your voice easily. Remember the age old trick, handkerchief over mouthpiece. Call yourself Deepthroat to stay in character and you might even be able to blackmail some money off Mr Fuches in the process. If you don't carry a handkerchief or are male, try choking yourself to modify your voice in the first call. The lack of oxygen dizziness is also a good way to get high in case you have run out of the more mainstream method of killing brain cells like alcohol or cocaine.

4. The Pre-emption
Mission: to make him mispronounce your name, a mistake so monumental that any mispronunciation of his name by you will pale into insignificance
How to do it: This works only if you've sent him a mail or something confirming your phone call so that he's seen your name. You start off by not introducing yourself. Then you try various tricks to get him to say your name: "Did you receive my introductory mail?" or "I'm sure my company/secretary informed you about me." He says: "Yes, Mr. Mohan, right?" Then you go quiet, and sob quietly. He is concerned. Then you start off with a sad story about how your favourite grandfather named you Mohan, and about how it's actually pronounced Moo-han, as a tribute to your favourite grandfather's dear pet cow. It is bad enough that he mispronounced it, but on today of all days - the anniversary of your grandfather's 120th birthday, it overwhelmed you a bit. By this point, he has a mountain of guilt on his shoulders, and will excuse anything you said that sounded like you abused him earlier.
How it could fail: He might think you're an overly sentimental lunatic with retarded ancestry. Actually, he's bound to think that.

5. The Inception
Mission - When all else fails, save your skin, using any means necessary.

How to do it - You have mispronounced his name already, and now he is pissed. There is no other option.
"Mr Fuches, listen to me. You are living a lie. Your name actually does rhyme with bucks, your real name. Your current life, with your current name, is actually a dream. Actually, as we speak, aliens are invading the earth. And the only person who can stop them is you. But the aliens have you trapped in a dream world, an alternate reality."
Obviously a sensible man like Mr Fuches would not fall for such a trick. "What nonsense is this?"
"It's not nonsense, Mr Fuches. Think about it, if this wasn't a dream and I wasn't your subconscious trying to protect you from the aliens invading your mind, how would I know that this morning you called someone named Mr, Mohan and your call was being interrupted repeatedly by some other calls. And that when you finally did speak to him he had a crazy accent, yet his voice seemed strangely similar to a salesman who had called earlier that day. Perhaps you think I'm simply tapping your phone, but then how would I know that this Mohan was actually lying and making a complete jackass out of you with that story about his grandfather. But I do know it, because you know that you were made a dumbass of. You did feel like a dumbass didn't you, I know you did. You see, Mohan, the calls, the saleman, me, we are all just figments of your imagination, created by your dreaming mind."
"How did you...? I guess you are telling the truth then."
"Sir, there is no time. You must wake up from this dream to save humanity from total annihilation."
".. uh umm... but how?"
"Well, if you die in the dream world, you will just wake up in the real world....

How it could fail - It would be an epic fail if the guy the sent to replace the mysteriously-suicidal-Fuches, was named Mr Arzole. Well, statistically speaking, only 1 in 31 names have an embarrasing alternative pronounciation, so keep this up until you get a nice clean name like Mr. Johnson or Mr. Dick...


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