Too smart to be true

Features we wish smart phones had

Too smart to be true

Tagged: business, tech/geek, fantasy, india, Life

Posted in Articles By Darth Nirius

Oct 4th 2010, 18:10

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It's not easy if your name is Sachin. Even if you play only gully cricket, people will expect you to hit a century every match, even the five-over ones. It's not your fault, it's just that your name inspires wishes.

Smart phones are the same. If they had been called, more accurately, expensive phones, no one would have irrational expectations. But some smartass decided that the addition of internet and a complicated scheduler to his regular phone made it cleverer than it was previously, and doomed it for ever to a comedic oxymoronic existence, kind of like when Kroor Singh was named Kroor Singh. We've got over the disappointment of their lack of smartness now, but we still wish our smart phones could do more. For smart phones that could -

1. Crack exams:

In India, we don't have a very complicated definition of smartness: you just have to get high marks in exams. Even if you're not smart according to this definition, you will realize that it is kind of narrow and arbitrary. A smart phone should be able to mug desperately throughout study holidays, and finally do well in the annual exams on the owner's behalf.

Challenge: you do not look like a smart phone. The smart phone does not look like you. If you lived for a million years, smart phones might evolve into intelligent facebook-enabled primates. But if you can't (which is likely), you can always wait for a fancy dress examination, say you're going as a smartphone, and send your smartphone instead. However, oddly enough, fancy dress exams are not a very popular concept, we find them fascinating.

 

2. Defend themselves:

Phones have the bad habit of getting lost. Smartphones particularly - and they also get stolen. Should they not be taught to defend themselves? Should not the next hand that stealthily creeps into your pocket in search of your smartphone be bitten off by the smart Anti Stealth System? We must build a world where every smartphone can live in safety, regardless of its colour or the number of its G network.

Challenge: you need to get your phone used to you, so that it doesn't bite your hand off. Or you could just have it bite it off at the beginning so that you run no risk later. Or you could never put your hands in your pockets and pull the phone out with ropes. Rabies shots are advised.

 

3. Make their users smart:

Truly great minds inspire those around them. A smartphone should be able to increase the IQ of its owner by 2 points a day. After a year, even the megaminds in the video below (who would start at an IQ of -500) will be respectable.

Challenge: all the dumb blonde jokes will vanish. And thats not a good thing. And we have to think about all the 90 yr old millionaires of the world. How else would they ease their passing without dumb blondes?

 

4. Wake you up:

The great challenge of modern life today is not to find Osama, beat global warming or make money. The challenge is to wake up when the alarm clock sounds, and not sleep through 3 alarms + 9 snooze alarms.

A smart phone should be able to do this. When you are sleeping soundly, the alarm will go off. Your hand moves instinctively to the 'turn alarm off' button. Then the smart phone, drawing on its knowledge of your brain, says: "Your computer is on fire." You turn the alarm off anyway, and go back to sleep. Twenty seconds later, this repeats. After a minute, the smart phone says: "You know you're going to lose the contents of C:/New Folder/New Folder, right?" You sit upright with a jerk, suddenly wide awake. Can you lose 123 GB of your most favourite cinematic material? You can't even tell anyone of its loss. You rush to the computer, only to find that the smart phone was lying. You rush at it to destroy it, but you can't because it also has the smartASS self defence system. You're ready to face your day!

A good smart phone should be able to think of a new trick such as above for every day, so as to always keep you surprised and be able to wake you up.

Challenge: this is guaranteed to work. There is a much deeper existential question, though. Do you really want to wake up on time every day?

 

5. Publicize!:

Huge teams of people work on publicity campaigns for new phones. Would it not save money and effort if the smartphone could design its own campaign? In normal cases it is impossible to challenge the marketing power of the Apple iPhone, their sleek ads and websites and their seeming domination of the smartphone market. But if a new phone, say the OneTouch Net Phone from Tata, was smart enough, it could easily make ads like these:

Now wasn't that way more convincing than 5 people wearing earphones dancing around on TV? And was way cheaper too, MS Paint is where it's at.

Challenge: No more marketing?? Those smart phones, they took our jaawbs.

 

6. Get the Nobel Prize in Physics:

This is the ultimate evolution - the pinnacle of smartness. And it's not as impossible as you might think, all we need is really shitty phones for a few years destroying a few thousand lives, and the first decent phone to emerge will be given the prize. Maybe the first phone with the technology to not give its owner cancer by radiation will do it.

Challenge: We already have dumb people destroying lives, do we need smart phones as well? I think we do.

 

7. Bend the Laws:

Extraordinary men, like Captain Vijaykanth in the video below, can make computers do extraordinary things, like typing into Windows Media Player and using it as a terrorist database system. If dumbputers can do it, smartphones should too, right?

Challenge: however smart a phone may be, can it ever match up to Captain Vijaykanth?

 

8. Be your conscience:

You've done stupid things. We all have.

You've sent that mail you shouldn't. You've gone shopping with your girlfriend and told her she can buy absolutely anything. You've invested in stocks. You've watched India TV. And somewhere at the back of your mind, there was a small voice telling you what you were doing was dumb, but a voice can easily be silenced. Enter the smartphone conscience. When you do something stupid, how awesome it would be if your smartphone gave you a public lecture (from within your pocket) in a bossy voice. Nothing like being called stupid by a phone to make you sober up.

Challenge: Letting your smartphone govern your life could have potentially bad consequences, as this video proves.

 

9. smartshaadi.com: You can't get a date. You don't want your parents to choose for you. Imagine a smart phone that was so smart it could find your soulmate and fix up a first meeting with him/ her/ it/ them. After the meeting, it would arrange for delivery of flowers and chocolates, and fix up subsequent dinners, movies and so on and make sure you do all these activities. One day, you would get married through the virtual iPujari app in your smartphone. Most of our other ideas will probably not happen, but we think this one might actually come to pass. Soon.

And that's scary.

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