Startup Idea: Lunch Launderer

Eradicate hunger. Become a trillionaire

Startup Idea: Lunch Launderer

Tagged: business, fantasy, india, Life

Posted in Articles By Darth Nirius

Oct 2nd 2010, 12:43

Basic fact

Children in school who bring packed lunches to school hardly ever eat their own lunch. If they can't find someone else who likes their lunch, they often take it back untouched or flush it down the toilet.
On the other hand, many working people and college students eating in bad messes (which is roughly 100% of them) keep complaining that they want ghar ka khaana. In fact, home cooked food is cited as the No.1 reason for marriage today.

Basic aim

To make every child in India financially self-sufficient and every working/college man gastronomically satisfied (and yourself, the Lunch Launderer, filthy rich in the process).

How to do it: the 8 step program

1. Tie up with every child in the city who wastes his/ her lunch and wants five minutes more break time so as to play hand cricket with aluminium foil balls.

2. Tie up with every harassed worker/ malnourished college student in the city, and hold a grand event where you tell them they will have food for ever more.

3. Name your venture something cool - have the words Maa and Ghar and Khaana in it - make sure it doesn't sound insulting or incestuous.

4. Get a list of the food the children get for lunch every day of the week. This is your menu - please describe it attractively, and not as the children described it to you.

5. Send this menu to your target workers/ students; send a different menu to each office/ college where all the prices are 5% less than the prices in that cafeteria/ mess.

6. Organize a system to get the food from the students and send it to the target audience - start small, deliver it yourself. After you become bigger, recruit your family members, pull your kids out of school to deliver, co-opt the guy who washes your car/ bicycle, your milkman, anyone. Especially the milkman - he is free in the daytime, anyway.

7. Pay the kids 10% of whatever their lunch fetches.
They might use this as capital to one day start a global financial empire. Or they might buy a real Cosco ball to play with for a change.

8. Don't let your customers know how you get the food - give them the impression that you run a vast cookery, where 1000 cooks labour all day, and are lashed by the cruel whips of a 1000 slavedrivers.

Basic Genius

This plan is pure genius. First of all, everyone ends up happy. The buyers get good homemade food for cheaper than their overpriced cafeteria slops. The kids dont need the Rs. 70 that their meal actually fetched, they just want their Rs 10 for a Hully Gully and a chhota Coke and they are happy. You must be very happy with the 600% profit margin.

Secondly, this is a vicious circle for all eternity. Even more vicious than making Windows have a 100 virus vulnerabilities and making people buy software to protect them. The implementation of this plan will make sure that all working adults realize how awesome homemade food is, so all adults will strictly make food for their kids and not give them any money for their junk food. This ensures your supply. But on the other hand, all the kids in your program will grow up nourished of roadside gol gappe, vada pavs and frizzy drinks. By the time they become adults they will crave homemade food. And being disease-ridden and used to buying their food, they will prefer to get it from you rather than making it, ensuring perpetual demand.

Post-plan

Retire to the Bahamas, marry a supermodel, buy a jet, etc.

Challenges

At the peak of your success, only about 10% of the parents will make food at home. Their kids will sell their food which other adults will buy and probably give some of the same food to their kids for lunch the next day, which they will again sell, to be given to some other adult, recycling food for many weeks at a time saving energy and preventing global warming.

However, this presents a few problems -
1. It is crucial to ensure that no adult receives his own kid's lunch which he bought from you the day before. This will expose their kids' deviousness and might result in child abuse.
2. If the number of people making food drops below 10% there might not be enough food in the system even when recycled for weeks. The food might get stale and the worms and maggots might become big enough to be visible to the naked eye.

You could treat all food with industrial bleach in every cycle; it kills all kinds of organisms indiscriminately. But if more than 90% of the country is buying food from you, it might be a good idea to retire, let someone lead the company into its impending downfall and buy a country with no extradition treaties to live out your life in luxury.

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