Everyone is hating on the Commonwealth Games. Given that I usually criticize everything, from censuses to the Nobel prize winners, it would behoove me to join the bandwagon and mock the Commonwealth Games 2010. Right?
Wrong. I feel optimistic today. There is a spring in my step. The glass is half full. Every rainbow has a pot of gold at its end. Always look on the bright side. The Commonwealth Games might be a success... well, it won't, actually. The Commonwealth Games will probably be canceled and not happen, and if it does we will wish it hadn't. Still, there are many ways we can turn this debacle into a great opportunity.
Action movie set:
Which are the top two places you'll find disintegrating bridges, bombs in suitcases and pissed off people? The Games Village and a Vin Diesel/ Mithun Chakraborty movie. So, after (if) the Games start and end, you hire out the Village as an action movie set, complete with randomly falling bridges for that spark of unpredictability in the stuntman's life. And this would be Delhi's way to finally give back to Bollywood. After all, Delhi wouldn't be the awe inspiring model-t0-the-world capital it is now, if it wasn't through years of dogged indoctrination by Kanti Shah et al., engraving police corruption, dirty politics and rampant rape as ideal human behaviour into the public psyche.
Rural development improver:
Everybody complains about rural development, that only the cities are growing and not the villages. Here's a great opportunity: classify the Games Village as an actual village, and show how it beats the other villages on literacy (by almost 2 percent) and prosperity (by a huge amount, due to common wealth distribution). India's rural development indices could increase by more than 0.00001%!
Two facts: 1. Delhi needs more public toilets. 2. All foreign contingents have complained of the hygiene in the quarters in/around the Games Village. Cleaning up the village and building hundreds of toilets will take a huge investment, so huge that the govt cannot afford it. Only perhaps successful innovative entrepreneurs like the Ambanis and Kalmadis can.
The solution: convert it into a public toilet. By now, everyone in India wants to pee on the CWG. All the ingredients are there - prime location, low cleanliness, great hype. All we need is a writing on every wall saying - Yehaan peshaab karna mana hai.
By now, everyone knows that India is going to become a global superpower soon and all eyes are on us to take the lead in every sphere of world affairs. It is very likely that when that happens, the PM of that time will become proud and arrogant and think of himself/herself as God (or, as the Americans put it, the most powerful man in the world). Hence the humility improver - if we keep the Games Village standing forever (an engineering miracle), future PMs can drive past it everyday and become humble, reflecting on the retarded and blundering beginnings of this great nation.
Stand up comedy venue:
India has many aspiring stand up comedians, but many of them have neither a full set of ideas or a venue. Solve both by making the Games Village a stand up comedy venue. Comedians can tell jokes about CWG 2010 for 2 hours, and the crowd will still not be sated. One precaution to be taken: the venue is not very architecturally sound; be careful lest the evening be converted into more of a fall down comedy.
India is divided in every possible way except two: everyone accepts the divinity of Sachin and everyone accepts the divine suckiness of the Commonwealth Games. Since in general, a large group of people will have more fun criticizing (or burning, lynching and destroying) than praising, lets exploit the second to unite every person in India (except me, since this post is on the good in the CWG).
For the skeptics who still think this is a bad idea, let me blow the lid off this conspiracy and prove once and for all the good of the CWG.
The CW Games were never meant to happen. The secret societies which control India from behind the scenes (of which I am also a member) saw the opportunity of the CWG, and decided it was the right time for India to emerge as the next global superpower. The conspiracy is so intricate and so secret that no one will see it coming unless (all two of them) they read it on Lol-land.
Everyone in the Organizing Committee, contrary to your belief, is not a criminal, corrupt down to the core of their black heart, ill-begotten son of the darkness, who should be banished to the eternal damnation of hell where they are brought to task for the pain and anguish of one billion crushed hopes, lost expectations and national castration everyday for all eternity. No, they is not. They is in fact a martyr, who willingly put their life, credibility and honour on the line, in return for the glory of India... and a few hundred crores of Rupees.
The CW Games were never meant to happen. They will be canceled. Worse yet, they will happen and a few international contingents will be buried under bridges. This debacle would obviously be very shameful for India. So shameful that no NRI will be able to walk on the streets any where in the world without wearing a burqa. Australians and Americans were beating up and murdering Indians before, imagine what they will do now. Persecuted everywhere, Indians will have but one option left.
All the super rich and super smart NRIs and Indians will pool all their resources... and build a Time Machine.
Thats the only way the CWG taint can be removed. Go back in time and when it's time to bid for hosting the CWG, just don't. But, in this process, India would acquire the capability to win any war, build any technology and pretty much become the undisputed kings of the world. Not even nuclear weapons can challenge the might of the Time Machine, for you could go back in time and kill army generals, scientists or presidents in their childhood and turn the tide of war in the future. In fact, the Time Machine is so potent that we can keep traveling in time and make sure that no other country ever has the capability to make a Time Machine.
Basically India will rule the Galaxy, not just the world, forever and ever.
Do you still think the Commonwealth Games is a bad idea?
I thought not.
Do you still think Kalmadi is a @#$%&#?
You probably do, but whatever.