The government of India has decided to do a caste census next year with the regular census. People complain that it's a dumb idea: it will piss people off, it will awaken the 100 or so people in India oblivious to the caste system to all its horrors, it costs as much as the regular census, it serves no really useful purpose since it's separate from the regular census... But no one really talks of the good that this census will do. We do.
Benefits of the Caste Census
1. Political Parties will be able to know beforehand exactly which votes and candidates they need to buy. This will save our countries millions since now they can focus on the bribing instead of wasting their money on doing surveys and using middlemen for information.
Also now they can plan their bribing and booth capturing expenses before the election and know exactly how much money they need to steal, rather than the current inefficient system where they steal indiscriminately and then have to stuff all the leftover bundles of cash in the walls and have notes sewn in clothing.
2. Angry mobs will be able to efficiently focus their anger on members of the opposite caste rather than killing their own by mistake. Although this sounds really mean, but realistically speaking if hundreds of people are going to die in the riot anyway, the least we could do is prevent collateral damage.
Despite such amazing benefits to our country, many people think a caste census is the dumbest idea to ever come out of the Parliament. What better way to prove these-anti national skeptics wrong than by making a list of great ideas which everyone would agree are of great national importance and must be implemented immediately despite being dumber than a caste census.
Censuses (censes?) which spread as much peace and harmony as a H-bomb (or a caste census)
1. Public Salary census: You ask everyone for their salaries, promising privacy (and death if lied to). You then tell their neighbours.
2. Public Tiger census: This ain't about the striped animal, but the extramaritally inclined golfer. You ask men all over the country if they've been unfaithful, and they boast to you about their conquests (mostly false) for an hour. Then you give the tapes to their wives the next day.
3. My Boss is my Facebook Friend census: This is not exactly a census. The government collaborates with ISPs to find out how much time each employee spends on facebook and various books, and sends this data to all bosses. The next day, the whole of India is unemployed except for the CEOs.
Censuses (censi?) which are as useful as watching a 5 hour download complete (or a caste census)
1. Toenail clipping census: Measures how many times the average citizen of India has cut his/ her toenails in the past year. This is useful if you're worried about Ragnarok (in Norse Myth, the end of the world will be partly heralded by a boat from hell made of dead men's nails).
2. Maggi Noodles Lied to Me! census: Measures the number of people in India who have made Maggi Noodles in 2 minutes. Slightly frustrating; you know the answer is zero, yet you still have to ask everyone in India.
3. Toilet paper satisfaction census: Allow every citizen of India to rate his/ her satisfaction with his/ her favourite brand of toilet paper on a scale from 1 to 577. Given that hardly anyone uses it at all, and those few who have will rate it in negative with abusive comments, it should be fun.
Censuses (Sensei?) which are as expensive as excess downloads over internet service provider limits (or a caste census)
1. Rich Man census: hire an aircraft in every village, town and city in the country to spray 1000 rupee notes all over the place for 5 hours every day. See what people do with the money and plot a graph.
We made this list and presented a proposal in a Parliament session and asked if we would be credited as the brain behind India's newest venture. However all the MPs laughed us out and told us that they didn't need our help coming up with huge ventures that divide the public opinion, are completely useless and redundant and cost the nation billions.
After all, they came up with the Commonwealth Games on their own.